AP

A Democratic lawmaker from Texas introduced a bill that would level a $100 fine against men who jerk off for an "act against an unborn child" and "failing to preserve the sanctity of life.”

The bill, introduced on Friday and titled "A Man's Right to Know Act," is an incredibly thorough troll of anti-abortion laws and legislation in the state.

State Rep. Jessica Farrar's bill mimics the language and tactics of those laws and proposals—cloaking restrictions in the language of health, putting red tape around common medical procedures, mandating counseling that includes information intended to them—and is an actual bill introduced in the Texas state legislature. Say what you will about the strategy, but Farrar really committed.

Advertisement

From the bill:

The purpose of this chapter is to express the state's interest in promoting men's health; ensure Texas men experience safe and healthy elective vasectomies, Viagra utilizations, colonoscopies procedures, and men's health experiences; ensure a doctor's right to invoke their personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs in refusing to perform an 15 elective vasectomy or prescribe Viagra; and promote fully abstinent sexual relations or occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care and medical facilities, as a means of the healthiest way to ensure men's health

And then there's this bit about only masturbating under a doctor's supervision:

The Department must establish and maintain a registry of private nonprofit organizations and hospitals that register with the department to provide fully-abstinent encouragement counseling, supervising physicians for masturbatory emissions, and storage for the semen. Costs will be absorbed by the hospital or contributing private nonprofits…

Masturbatory emissions created in health or medical facilities will be stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future wife.

In a Facebook post on Saturday, Farrar said the legislation is satire, intended to make an absurdist point about the "obstacles that interfere with" a woman's ability to access health care and the "fake science and medically unnecessary procedures" that the state of Texas puts in their way.

Sponsored

If passed (this will not happen and not even the bill's sponsor wants this to happen), the legislation goes into effect in September 2017. Get your tugs in now, Texans.